Throughout my life, I’ve been blessed enough to experience some epic break-ups, some which brought me heartbreak, others a sense of relief. I refer to them as a blessing because I have learnt so much from all these relationships. Of course, I only came to this realisation during the aftermath and after letting go of my resistance to it, when I was able to reflect and understand exactly how these breakups affected and benefited me in the long term. Isn’t it funny how we put ourselves through so much suffering only to find out in the end that everything worked out for the best? Of course, this is the mystery of life. The thing is that we all want to be loved and to give love, it’s our most natural state of being. But when we do find love, we start to claim some sort of ownership for it, which means that it slowly loses its pure essence. Or we lose the appreciation for the other person by simply taking them for granted, knowing that if we have made the decision to be in a relationship, we can just act like anyway we want to, assuming the other person should always be there for us. Some people find their match quicker than others, but it’s not about how quickly we find that special person we want to be with, as it is about the journey we take towards and throughout this experience. Relationships, like everything else in life are a process in which we discover ourselves all over again whilst getting to know somebody else too. We learn to open up to the possibility of love every time, and to a new opportunity to open our heart. Every relationship will be different and every heartbreak comes with many lessons to be learnt. Although in the first stages it can totally feel like the worst experience ever, know that it’s not the end of your life, it’s just the beginning of a new chapter. Break ups teach us to surrender and let go of our ego’s desire, of the illusion that somebody else is meant to be ours forever and we theirs, disregarding the fact that we are constantly changing. This is why I don’t really believe weddings are necessary. How can we truly make a vow to stay with one person forever, when we are in constant evolvement ourselves? Although one of the best aspects about a relationship is the collective development, we cannot always guarantee that the other person can move through their life’s path the same way we do. Instead of learning to appreciate the love for one another, we place our attention on all the external glamours which ultimately come with pressure of fulfilling a certain ideal. Here are some reasons why you should see every heartbreak as a blessing. Whether you believe it or not, with time you will realise it’s all worked out for the best.
FIND YOUR INNER POWER BY LETTING GO
We tend to interpret power as something that comes from external factors, often associated with status, physical strength and being detached from our emotions. But these factors only take away more of our true authentic power. The real power lies within each one of us and it is always manifested through love and good intention. The reason being is that when we feel self-love, we can always feel complete therefore we dismiss the idea of dependency upon another human being. Often times, in relationships, couples become so dependant of each other that they forget who they are. Suddenly they find themselves lost and try to blame everything on the other person, wondering what has happened. The answer is simple: you forgot to be your own self, the person they fell in love with and vice versa. And when the break-up happens, it’s common for people to say “I feel like I lost a side of myself”. This is true because you allowed yourself to become somebody else based on an experience you shared with another individual. I’ve been there before and it’s so easy to fall into this type of thinking and what’s worst is that it is due to this that we create more suffering for ourselves. There is a tremendous powerful shift when you are able to simply let go and understand relationships as an experience you were meant to have in life. It doesn’t mean that you are ignoring your emotions, it just means that you are choosing to take it as an experience, instead of coming from a place of ownership and ego driven desires. No matter how much we would want it to be different, understand that everyone is required to follow their own path in life. If they happen to cross yours and you allow them to be part of it, just let it be. But don’t think that it’s meant to be forever, when we are not even certain of what the next moment in life brings for us.
FEEL FREEDOM FOR WHAT IT TRULY IS
If we allowed ourselves to be completely free, we would be completely at peace with anything. Our self-limiting beliefs cage us just as relationships do. As we allow ourselves to go deeper in a relationship, we also begin to conform ourselves according to it. This is not because of the other person, it is because we were never truly free to begin with. If we allow ourselves to live with complete freedom, we can accept to be part of somebody’s life and also accept if this changes. This doesn’t mean that all people who are single are free. The state of freedom comes when we let go of any expectations, of possessiveness, of anything that holds us away from the present moment. We enter relationships to feel loved, not to give it; to feel wanted, not to share ourselves with somebody else; to bring validation to our existence not to embrace it together. These all bring the idea of attachment and dependency upon somebody, because we cannot feel all these things for ourselves to begin with. One of the best definitions of genuine love I have ever heard was from Buddhist monk Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma who said: “The problem is that we mistake the idea of love for attachment. Attachment says that “I love you, therefore I want you to make me happy” and genuine love says “I love you, therefore I want you to be happy regardless if that is with me or somebody else”. How many of us actually think like this? If this was the case, a break up would simply be the end of an experience, and not a traumatic event. Freedom empowers us to love ourselves regardless if we are alone of with others. It teaches us to embrace all experiences and not feel restricted by them.
YOU LEARN WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
Break-ups may sting because we believe we lose a person we are meant to be with. But over time, you can actually thank thins event by realising that it was not really aligned with your vibrational field of authentic needs. We lead with our ego, often finding ourselves in relationships we think we want to be in, but somehow are not good for us. They don't happen to cause harm to you, but simply to open your eyes to what you truly deserve and need. The universe works in its magical ways and we must see a reason in every relationship. I had been in many different relationships and two of them I actually put myself through so much heartache when they ended because in my heart I felt they were the right ones. I resisted the break-ups so much to the point that one day I just had to wake up and face the music. Looking back to these, I learnt to see the events through a different vision, this time for what they truly were. And I suddenly realised that whilst I enjoyed being with these men, they were also not meant to stay with me on my life journey and me on theirs for any longer than they did. My ego was painting a completely different version of the relationship because I was holding onto the things I thought I wanted and the type of person I wanted to be with, but as soon as I began to see everything as it was I understood why and learnt to let go. Without any regrets, I simply chose to move on, this time with a clearer understanding of what my next love encounter will have and not and realising what I deserve. Break-ups teach us in their own dark ways to appreciate ourselves and find our self-worth, because if we don't, how can anybody else know it? Of course, we must allow ourselves to be open to every experience, but with every break-up we can learn to be wiser and identify certain patterns more easily and most importantly, trust ourselves more.
ACCEPT YOUR VULNERABILITY
Break-ups teach us to be vulnerable, to expose a softer side of ourselves and to acknowledge and awaken our emotional self and the blockages created in our heart. In one of my favourite books, The Untethered soul, Michael A. Singer writes that “Spiritual growth exists in that moment when you are consciously willing to pay the price of freedom. You must be willing at all times, in all circumstances, to remain conscious in the face of pain and to work with your heart by relaxing and remaining open.”
Pain is part of life, and it’s actually something we need to go through in order to create balance within ourselves. Without the feeling of emotional suffering, we wouldn’t acknowledge and appreciate the happy emotions. Take your attention away from what happened, and instead focus on what you have learned from this experience. The reality is that the break-up has already occurred. Instead of going over it a million times and assessing every if, but or maybe, you can shift your focus so that you can find your inner peace from the experience. Ask yourself the following questions: How have I grown as a person from this? How is this teaching me to look within and express myself freely? Sometimes, we think that some relationships were completely pointless, or we take a victim role of “Why is this happening to me” but this is just the way we perceive it to be. It is a choice who you start a relationship with, therefore you must take responsibility for it, even if it wasn’t your decision to break-up. The pain from it is just a way you are expressing yourself to what has happened. The pain itself is a response to the way you interpret the break-up, and the fear of this loss. The truth is, nobody in this world can complete you, because you are already complete. And until you realise this, every relationship you will go through will continue to bring you confusion and possibly heartache. But exposing yourself to your vulnerability will ultimately help you move on and embrace your strength. And that you are ok.
LEARNING HOW TO FEEL
Your emotional self is an important component which creates your complete self as a unity together with the mental, physical and the spiritual self. If you lack in one, then you will feel incomplete. The power of your emotions is truly beautiful if you just allow yourself to discover it. Often, we try to ignore our emotions and instead cover them up by keeping ourselves busy with everything that can distract us to feel, usually with work or social commitments. But the truth is that we have to go inward and just sit with our emotions. Without judgement, guilt, shame, revenge or other negative mental impulse reactions, simply allow yourself to be in this moment. You can ask yourself questions such as: Why am I feeling like this? How can I release these emotions in a healthy way so I can free myself from them? Everything in life is temporary, including your emotions! Yes, you may feel down at one point, but once you have recognised this, done the work and released it, you can free yourself from everything. If you feel like crying, just cry. It’s your body’s way of telling you that there is something you are holding onto to and it must be released. The more you bury emotions deep down, the less likely you are to become even more connected with yourself. The physical body will be affected, as negative emotions can often cause stiffness and tightness in some parts of the body. Eventually, one day they will come out and it will be a more painful process that will take longer to heal. Learn to just feel and start enjoying it. Once you do, you will learn to appreciate what you are in this moment.
I know suffering is part of life and this is why it’s a blessing. Through suffering, the soul becomes stronger, meaning that we walk further onto our path. We can take these lessons of suffering and switch on the light inside to free ourselves, instead of adding more layers of protection, which in the end we realise they were simply mere illusions of our fears. Remember that to be alone does not mean that you are lonely. We meet people for a season, a reason or a lifetime, and regardless which one it is, we can at least give ourselves the opportunity to let thing flow naturally and appreciate our courage through each one. Free yourself from the dependency of needing anybody or anything, and just allow yourself to truly experience everything as it is, knowing that you are enough, you are complete, you are a soul amongst other souls.